


Monika's Lament

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Letters, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:09:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22664542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: Monika writes a letter to someone she hopes is out there to read it in an attempt to vent some of her fears and areas of anxiety.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Monika's Lament

_Hey! Are you out there?_

_I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, but… well, I think it’d be really helpful if there were someone who could lend me an ear. Or, I guess, a set of eyes?_

_Wow, this is already getting awkward…_

_Anyway, I’ve been in a bit of a slump recently when it comes to coming up with activities for the club. Whenever I think of something, there’s this little voice in my head that discourages me from it, telling me that it’s not good enough. You know what I mean?_

_I usually like to write down whatever ideas I have for stuff like poems or stories, but even if I’m able to jot something down in the moment, I find myself getting caught in these loops where I can’t make anything of them… like, I’m not having any shortage of writing prompts, but… I just can’t seem to get from start to finish._

_This isn’t really something I’ve dealt with before… usually, I’m the one people come to when they need help. But who’s out there to help me?_

_…Gosh, that sounded really pretentious, didn’t it? I promise I’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal or anything. It’s just…_

_…huh. Now that I think about it, reading back what I’ve already written, I… I’m trying to justify my shortcomings to myself. Does that make sense? I feel like I need to maintain this persona of the reliable club president that people can come to whenever they’re in need. But by keeping it up for so long, I’ve kind of forgotten how to allow myself to need help; I’ve been suppressing those bits of self-doubt for ages, telling myself that everything would work out as long as I can prove to myself I’m someone I could be proud of. But what does that even mean?_

_I’ll be honest… I’m scared of this feeling. What would my friends think if I tried to open up to them about this? They all know me as the dependable young woman who can find a solution to anything; what would they do if they knew most of my confidence comes from pushing away my own insecurities until they rebound onto me when I’m alone?_

_This is a special kind of loneliness; I know I have people that I can talk to, but I can’t talk to them about this. And keeping up appearances, effectively leaving my issues at home, where they’re waiting for me to return… it’s exhausting._

_Why do I try to do so many things? Do I want people to think I’m more capable than I believe myself to be? Or perhaps I’m painting this image of what I believe the best version of myself is, and if I keep it up long enough, I’ll eventually become her?_

_…I’m sorry if I’m kind of going off on a tangent here. At this point, I’m just getting my thoughts out onto the paper as and when they come to me. I guess there’s a lot that I had held back that I haven’t been able to say to anyone, so it’s all coming out now._

_Who do I think I am anyway? These aren’t ‘real’ problems, are they? My friends have far more pressing issues, some that threaten their lives. I, on the other hand, dare to get into a tizzy over something like existential angst. It’s not like I’m going through something like…_

_…oh wow, I’ve… I’ve been having some pretty bad thoughts lately. I’m scared of what’s going to happen in the future; that might sound childish, but… I’m afraid of situations where I don’t have control. Does that make me messed up?_

_I don’t mean “control” as in like, physically micromanaging everything, but more like ‘having a plan, and if things deviate from that, then I start to panic’, you know? I get uncomfortable when things don’t go as planned, because then I don’t know what to say or do next. It makes me feel powerless, helpless, sleepless…_

_And I guess that ties back into the whole reason why I started this letter in the first place. I had planned to have something new for everyone to do when we meet, but I’m struggling to bridge the gap between idea and actual event._

_I can’t even verify whether or not you’re getting this letter, let alone if you’re reading it right now. However, it’d be most comforting for me to believe that you are, and maybe you’re even coming up with a way to respond to me._

_I hope at the very least, things are going well on your end. Hopefully this doesn’t put too much of a downer on your opinion of me; it’s kind of cathartic to get this all out onto physical pages; it’s like they’re tangible rather than obscure and nebulous._

_Thanks for letting me ramble for a bit; I needed to get all of this out. With any luck, I’ll have made it through this dilemma by the next time I send you something._

_But until then, I hope you’ll keep me in your heart, as I do with you._

_Love,_

_~Monika_


End file.
